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A young girl of the age of four
Sat silently on the kitchen floor
Eating cookies to her hearts content.
Unaware of any ill intent.

She ate until she could no more,
And quickly moved up off the floor,
She put her vice back in its stash
For her room she quickly dashed.

As she walked through the room,
She heard a voice mutter "doom"
Unsure of it she couldn't see,
What in this world could it be?

But the darkness made her blind,
No trace was there for her to find
So warily she kept on walking,
And silently it continued stalking,

Her heart raced as she peered,
Pace quickened as she steered.
Not stopping for any hesitation,
Kept heading for her destination.

In her room, door slammed shut,
Her imagination cought in a rut,
Of horrors recently conceived,
Monsters so vivid she believed,

Then as the  floor boards creeked.
Overcome she quickly peeked.
Nothing seen, nothing moving,
but the danger was ever looming.

But she kept staring,
Nostrils flaring,
Struck down by fear,
Horrible images did appear.

In her room, door locked shut,
In her bed she curled up.
Watching shadows on her wall,
Tightly clutching her favorite doll

She noticed something oddly prying
Something watching, something spying.
It started creeping towards her bed,
She stiffened with a sudden dread.

She shut her eyes so very tight,
Not sure if she'd survive the night.
She felt it graze her tiny arm,
Triggering every alarm.

And as she wished her mom goodbye.
She couldn't help but begin to cry.
Then the beast licked her little head
And she knew she'd soon be dead.

Then it let out a fearsom mew,
And finally she thought she knew,
So her eyes flung open wide,
To find her kitten by her side.
A suspensfull tale of a little girl and what took place during her late night cookie raid.
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:iconinspirational-dreams:
inspirational-dreams Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been featured in my journal as well as in a news article which you can find here [link] I invite you to fav the article to help spread the news to other deviants :ahoy:
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:iconinspirational-dreams:
inspirational-dreams Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
:D Well written! Great job
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:icondreamsstillweep:
DreamsStillWeep Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing. Truly amazing. Definite :+fav:
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:iconcut-devil4:
cut-devil4 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2006  Hobbyist Photographer
gorgeua, it biult up so much suspense, i love it
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006
Thanks, it was my first real attempt at invokeing a targeted emotion, I'm glad it worked =)
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:iconladycross:
ladycross Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2006
cool! i was like omg! omg! it's gonna get her! then i kept on laughing my head off when i read the last stanza!...^_^
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:iconxloveisdeadx:
xLoveIsDeadx Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2005
I could definitly see this in a mini graphic novel...or in a comic similar to Lenore. It has that same playful, and devious feeling.
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:icond---b:
d---b Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2005
I've seen this a couple of times, so I must have been linked to it from somewhere other than the forum thread you replied to a long time ago ;)

It's a very strong piece of work, and it's a lot more ambitious than most of the poetry I see on dA. For a start, I could bear to read through all of this piece without cringing at cliches, poor/no structure or a total lack of interesting subject. And my goodness - it looks like you even proofread it enough to remove spelling errors. A rarity here.
The only real criticism/critique I can find certainly doesn't lie in the language or the content - it's simply in the rhythm. I know you said you tried to stick to a regular meter, but I struggle to see where. The first verse threw me straight away - the first line has eight syllables, yet the rest have nine. It's similar in the following verse, although it's the last line with the odd number of syllables there.

The one that really knocked me for six was the verse that began "But she kept staring", and I don't think I'm the only one to point it out. It seems like such a sudden jump for the meter, especially as it reads like a children's poem, and we associate those with reliability and instant familiarity. Am I making sense? I hope so...

Anyway, like I said. Very strong piece of work, and a lot more interesting than a lot of the poetry I read on dA. My critique is a personal one, obviously, so I wouldn't be insulted if you tell me where to stick it. Unless you tell me in an unpleasant way, of course :)
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2005
haha I dont hold it against me that you gave such harsh criticism to my meter. I said I tried to keep a meter but at the same time I also wanted to change it up some. By changing the meter to a shorter line and with less sylables it makes you read the line faster, when you read the line faster obviously the rading pace quickens and as a result a more effective form of suspense.

If this piece lulled to the same rythm it might become boring. I'm not an expert writer though and I dont claim to be, I said it before, i butched it enough trying to get the lengths rythms that its at now, and I still dont like certain lines. Horrible images did appear!? come on wtf lol, i know it needs to be changed.

However it was my first attempt at something like this and I was pleased with the results im glad i could bring a somewhat fresh prespective to the dreaded poetry realm of DA. Thanks again for your kind and helpfull words!
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:icondarkangeloflov:
DarkAngelOfLov Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
wow, that was great, I tenced up reading this too thinking about that poor little girl. but it was alright in the end. :+fav:
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2005
haha im glad you liked it =)
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:icondarkangeloflov:
DarkAngelOfLov Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
=D
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:iconporcelain-eyes:
Porcelain-Eyes Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
when i read this i was tence i felt as if i was the little girl
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
well then my mission was complete, i got my desired result! im glad you enjoyed it!
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:iconporcelain-eyes:
Porcelain-Eyes Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
i did :)
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:iconrealgothik:
realgothik Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
oh wow i cant believe how good this is. this is definitely going to be faved lol.

could u look at mine too please?? [link] thanks!
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
wow thanks i'm glad you liked it, i'll gladly read your work!
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:iconinklikebullet:
InkLikeBullet Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005   Writer
hilarious, I love the concept, and you carried it really well.
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
im overwhelmed by the great response this poem is getting! thanks for the comment ^_^
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:iconparabolicphoton:
ParabolicPhoton Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
This is such a great poem. It has everything you could want. :D
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005
thanks im glad you enjoyed it!
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:iconalphie0216:
alphie0216 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005
I like it! suspenseful. i really wasn't sure if it was her imagination or a horrible monster til the very end. great job. i can remember feeling like that. you described the feelings and sensations well. :)
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005
thanks i was using poe was an inspiration and loved how he was a master of instilling suspense into the reader, actually making them read faster and quickening their heart beats. I thought it was a great reaction to be able to cause through simple writing and I wanted to see if i could cause a similar reaction! im glad you liked it!
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:iconirishhippiepoet:
IrishHippiePoet Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2005
so creepy with a cute ending
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2005
haha I aim to please ^_^ thanks!
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:iconfyoot:
fyoot Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2005   Writer
This is nice, humourous, cute. A great bathetic ending, which I like.

Your meter (rhythm) is pretty inconsistent. I think meter is pretty important in a poem like this, particularly with the endrhyme. If you're interested in learning more about meter (since the person above gave quite a confusing expanation) I recommend a visit to *poetic-forms, where they have more information on meter and the different forms than you could possibly ever need. It strikes me that you may also find [link] useful.

It seems to me from reading this that your main problem is in terms of your vocabulary. Sometimes is is very obvious and clunky that you've chosen words purely to rhyme. That's a shame, because this piece has potential, and it's relatively refreshing amid the angsty mire of DAlit's backwaters.

I think that this is the kind of poem a young child would love to be read. I would even suggest drawing out the suspenseful part a bit more to make it more 'scary'. I'm a little concerned that the kitten could mutter 'doom' and would suggest possibly leaving that part out. :D
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2005
wow thanks I appreciate the links they'll deffinitly earn a view. The "mutter" doom has been a line of debate as well. However I chose to leave it as it is. Because her imagination is supposed to be taking a turn for the worse as the sugar infilitrates her mind. In reality the kitten mewed or made another such noise but the child heard doom weather or not thats what was really said and thats what sends her into her state of panic. I butched it enough forcing end rhymes and further changing wording to match iambic pentamiter or other such meters would kill my fragile mind lol.

I am familiar with a few meters and I admit it is something im working on but hasnt been a focus of mine. I'm feeling brave enough being one of the few DA poets i've found that even try to rhyme let alone write about something other than love or depresson (though i have my fair share.)

As to drawing the suspense out, i originally intended to, infact the original poem was going to be about twice as long, but my average reader was getting to bored and began losing intrest. kind of like a horror movie, when the direcrot prolongs the suspense and it just gets annoying, like "omg just show me already"

I found the current length to be a good median. Not to short but not to long just enough to keep the piece fun and enjoyable. I appreciate all the kind and helpfull comments and Will be working to improve my poems every day, I have many more in the works of this fashion. Simply baby steps.
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:iconfyoot:
fyoot Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2005   Writer
Fair enough to everything you say. Thanks for the thought you put into this reply. You've got a good attitude to this kind of critiquing, so thanks for that and for not yelling at me. I think I could do with a sugar rush myself right now, since I'm half asleep.

*suture is also a good place to look for more poets on DA that aren't all about love and depression, although it can all get a bit highbrow/ boring over there on occasion.

:D
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2005
haha awsome thanks!
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:iconfeebeef:
feebeef Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2005
I NEVER favorite poetry, unless it is making fun of poetry (see my favorites, you will know what I mean) but this most definately deserves a favorite. Even though I know what's going to happen, your quality is still great.
I understand about people complaining about "what in this world could it be?" I automatically put in "what in the world could it be?" But after attention was called to it, it does sound awkard, probably because we, as english speaking people are used to hearing the latter. I don't know if this is good or bad; I think it is all up to you.
The 8th stanza could use a bit of tweaking. I knew there was something wrong with the last line, but I couldn't put my finger on it until I read the other comments.

"But she kept staring,
Nostrils flaring,
Struck down by fear,
Horrible images did appear."

If you want to maintain the beautiful balance you have started I would suggest adding a bit more meat to this stanza, making each line a bit longer. The last line I would change completely since it really isn't descriptive at all. It is a generalization and not very powerful, which is too bad because the rest of the stanza is chalk full of imagery.

"Her imagination cought in a rut,"

Minor spelling error. I really hope you can find it.

"In her room, door slammed shut,
Her imagination cought in a rut,
Of horrors recently conceived,
Monsters so vivid she believed, "

The third line, using the word "horrors" seems a bit bland to me. It's not very provoking; it doesn't give me the shivers. It's all about words that incite imagery. I'm most confident you can come up with something.

"Triggering every alarm."

Great line, just doesn't fit with the context of the rhythm and flow. Adding another word would smoothen this out.

The last stanza is fucking genius! I love it! Other than a few minor errors here and there, you got a great fucking poem.
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2005
wow awsome! thanks for all the great critiqing. Like i said before the 8th stanza is by far my weakest. And am working on a solution. Triggering every alarm has been changed 3 times already, originally it was triggering every silent alarm, then triggering her every alarm then now triggering every alarm. People are nevery happy with it and im not sure where to go with it.

I appreciate it so much thanks again! and im glad you enjoyed it so much!
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:iconfeebeef:
feebeef Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2005
Absolutely no problem. There really needs to be more critiquing of work around here and I'm more than happy to help. I'm not saying everyone should be condemning everyone else's poem, but helpful hints more like it. Again, all I said was just one person's opinion. I really like your dA ID by the way. Really noticed it just now. Hmm. That line sure does seem to be a little bugger eh? There are some things that just don't work. Don't worry about what other people are happy with. What will work for you and what you are satisfied with will probably set in nicely with everyone else. (I'm assuming that you aren't satisfied with this line either, correct me if I'm wrong.) Ahha! I found something. Ok the rest of the verse is in the past tense right? And "triggering" is present progressive. That is why it doesn't fit. And good lordy you're a guy. I thought you were a girl. Sorry. Ok, so. That doesn't work. That's a basic, little simple error to make. It's really uncomfortable for the reader for you to jump from past to present or present to past, more so than future and present. (Verbs, I mean.) You could change it to "triggered" or "trigger'd" whichever fits best for your rhythm. I'd choose the latter on that basis that it looks cooler, but that's just me. "[E]very alarm" is not quite right either. Trigger'd her silent alarm? I don't know. I'd just pick the one that flows the best. Hope you can figure it out.
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:icon229am:
229am Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2005   Photographer
haha i love this!
suspensful
rhyming
and just cute.
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:iconfendergtrgirl:
fendergtrgirl Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
Very nice. I remember those days when your imagination is way worse than the reality haha. Good poem!
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
thanks for taking the time to read it im glad you enjoyed it!
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:iconmalefictarium:
Malefictarium Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
Thats awesome, definately a :+fav: ... its a great read and reminds me of my brother when he sleepwalks at night. It's humorous, suspenseful, and a bit ironic. Excellent work!
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
wow awsome im glad you liked it so much!
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:iconmalefictarium:
Malefictarium Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
Yeah, and i can see why it has had so many views, it deserves more!
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:iconlepizzagirl:
lepizzagirl Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
Too cute! Prompts a feeling of great anticipation, then relief! I likes. :P
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
thanks im glad you enjoyed it!
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:iconuncopyrightedvinegar:
uncopyrightedvinegar Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005  Hobbyist Artist
Amazing! I love the imagery
niz xxx
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
haha thanks I love all the great comments thanks again!
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:iconnatamalie:
Natamalie Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
im not big on poetry but this is fantastic... you drew it out long enough to me the reader hold their breath but not lose interest.... thats a talent... well done!
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
haha thanks! if anything its a fun poem to read im glad you liked it!
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:iconmyownnightmare:
myownnightmare Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
wow, that's absolutely, wow. this poem pulls the reader in chews them up and spits them back out. absolutely brilliant!
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
wow thanks ^_^ im glad you enjoyed it so much!
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:iconmyownnightmare:
myownnightmare Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
you're very welcome. it was an enjoyable peice to read. quite entertaining.
Reply
:iconemilystrange21:
EmilyStrange21 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
I do agree that your syllables are a little messed, but other than that, you're structure's fine.

in the third stanza, last line, I think it would be better if written: "what in this world could it be?". As you see, I've swapped the words 'it' and 'could'. I think it reads better that way, do you? Ponder that for me ;)

the fourth and sixth stanzas both have the word 'imagination' in it. a bit repititious in my opinion. Also, in the eleventh stanza, you write 'silent alarm'; a tad too much. This is one of those lines with too many syllables. I felt that it departed the reader from the rhythm. Just figured I'd point that out.

I really liked the theme for the poem. Like a vulgar nightmare thrown into a childlike setting (with the cookie raid and her little kitten); it appealed to me. It sounded similar to a nursery rhyme, such as humpty dumpty (and I don't mean that in an offensive way, like I'm putting down the poem or anything). Your vocabulary flowed nicely throughout the poem, and you held the readers attention until the plot-twisting end. It was an enjoyable read. :)
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:iconorganized-kaos:
Organized-Kaos Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
Great poem.
I can tell you tried hard to rhyme. But your begining is a little off. Your structure isn't really there. The words jus don't go together. This usually happens to most poets, because they are bearly starting to write and they don't know how its going to go. but once they get started, the rhymes and the structre flow more easily. Try rewriting this poem, and if you catch something weird, fix it. Also take a look at the number of vowels in each line. It flows when two lines are even.
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:iconorganized-kaos:
Organized-Kaos Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
no problem =]
you can take a look at my poem
[link] tell me what you think about it. I didn't want it to rhyme or anything.
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