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Literature by uncopyrightedvinegar

Poetry by Mason-Rose


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Submitted on
August 8, 2005
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A young girl of the age of four
Sat silently on the kitchen floor
Eating cookies to her hearts content.
Unaware of any ill intent.

She ate until she could no more,
And quickly moved up off the floor,
She put her vice back in its stash
For her room she quickly dashed.

As she walked through the room,
She heard a voice mutter "doom"
Unsure of it she couldn't see,
What in this world could it be?

But the darkness made her blind,
No trace was there for her to find
So warily she kept on walking,
And silently it continued stalking,

Her heart raced as she peered,
Pace quickened as she steered.
Not stopping for any hesitation,
Kept heading for her destination.

In her room, door slammed shut,
Her imagination cought in a rut,
Of horrors recently conceived,
Monsters so vivid she believed,

Then as the  floor boards creeked.
Overcome she quickly peeked.
Nothing seen, nothing moving,
but the danger was ever looming.

But she kept staring,
Nostrils flaring,
Struck down by fear,
Horrible images did appear.

In her room, door locked shut,
In her bed she curled up.
Watching shadows on her wall,
Tightly clutching her favorite doll

She noticed something oddly prying
Something watching, something spying.
It started creeping towards her bed,
She stiffened with a sudden dread.

She shut her eyes so very tight,
Not sure if she'd survive the night.
She felt it graze her tiny arm,
Triggering every alarm.

And as she wished her mom goodbye.
She couldn't help but begin to cry.
Then the beast licked her little head
And she knew she'd soon be dead.

Then it let out a fearsom mew,
And finally she thought she knew,
So her eyes flung open wide,
To find her kitten by her side.
A suspensfull tale of a little girl and what took place during her late night cookie raid.
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:iconinspirational-dreams:
inspirational-dreams Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been featured in my journal as well as in a news article which you can find here [link] I invite you to fav the article to help spread the news to other deviants :ahoy:
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:iconinspirational-dreams:
inspirational-dreams Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
:D Well written! Great job
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:icondreamsstillweep:
DreamsStillWeep Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing. Truly amazing. Definite :+fav:
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:iconcut-devil4:
cut-devil4 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2006  Hobbyist Photographer
gorgeua, it biult up so much suspense, i love it
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006
Thanks, it was my first real attempt at invokeing a targeted emotion, I'm glad it worked =)
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:iconladycross:
ladycross Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2006
cool! i was like omg! omg! it's gonna get her! then i kept on laughing my head off when i read the last stanza!...^_^
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:iconxloveisdeadx:
xLoveIsDeadx Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2005
I could definitly see this in a mini graphic novel...or in a comic similar to Lenore. It has that same playful, and devious feeling.
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:icond---b:
d---b Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2005
I've seen this a couple of times, so I must have been linked to it from somewhere other than the forum thread you replied to a long time ago ;)

It's a very strong piece of work, and it's a lot more ambitious than most of the poetry I see on dA. For a start, I could bear to read through all of this piece without cringing at cliches, poor/no structure or a total lack of interesting subject. And my goodness - it looks like you even proofread it enough to remove spelling errors. A rarity here.
The only real criticism/critique I can find certainly doesn't lie in the language or the content - it's simply in the rhythm. I know you said you tried to stick to a regular meter, but I struggle to see where. The first verse threw me straight away - the first line has eight syllables, yet the rest have nine. It's similar in the following verse, although it's the last line with the odd number of syllables there.

The one that really knocked me for six was the verse that began "But she kept staring", and I don't think I'm the only one to point it out. It seems like such a sudden jump for the meter, especially as it reads like a children's poem, and we associate those with reliability and instant familiarity. Am I making sense? I hope so...

Anyway, like I said. Very strong piece of work, and a lot more interesting than a lot of the poetry I read on dA. My critique is a personal one, obviously, so I wouldn't be insulted if you tell me where to stick it. Unless you tell me in an unpleasant way, of course :)
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:iconpo0pslinger:
po0pslinger Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2005
haha I dont hold it against me that you gave such harsh criticism to my meter. I said I tried to keep a meter but at the same time I also wanted to change it up some. By changing the meter to a shorter line and with less sylables it makes you read the line faster, when you read the line faster obviously the rading pace quickens and as a result a more effective form of suspense.

If this piece lulled to the same rythm it might become boring. I'm not an expert writer though and I dont claim to be, I said it before, i butched it enough trying to get the lengths rythms that its at now, and I still dont like certain lines. Horrible images did appear!? come on wtf lol, i know it needs to be changed.

However it was my first attempt at something like this and I was pleased with the results im glad i could bring a somewhat fresh prespective to the dreaded poetry realm of DA. Thanks again for your kind and helpfull words!
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:icondarkangeloflov:
DarkAngelOfLov Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
wow, that was great, I tenced up reading this too thinking about that poor little girl. but it was alright in the end. :+fav:
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